the snuggie enterprise 5:07 PM

hi. so i feel that this topic needs to be discussed lightly, as to not offend the druids/sorcerers who support this enterprise, but the snuggie frightens me. not necessarily because it reminds me of dark magic but because of what it can become. let me explain...we began with the simple idea of a blanket with arms. ok, not too bad. then we got fancy and began to add "fashionable" patterns. slightly disturbing. now they have snuggies for animals, also in "fashionable" patterns. straight up scary. then we were introduced to the "kuttles" which was a short lived product that was a snuggie for two people with three arms so that the two people could share a hole and hold hands, play video games, or share popcorn. absolutely terrifying. i'm glad to see that no remains of this product remain on the internet.

what is next? the threesomuggie (threesome-uggy)? the orgyggie (or-jiggy)? the founding of the city snuggopolis? i fear a future where snuggies rule. i also remember that snuggies were mocked for a long time and all of the sudden the collective consciousness shifted, everyone got one for christmas, and now snuggies are cool. when did this happen? is it some sort of astronomical event or am i just that far out of the loop? i can bear the snuggie but once other people start being included i have issues. the best part of cuddling under a blanket is what goes on under the blanket with hands. i bet the vatican is behind the kuttles in some sort of sexual activity control plot. i'm going to call dan brown and have him write a book about it immediately because i sense a conspiracy. if i'm reported dead from suffocation assume it was due to some secret snuggie society. i'm only 50% joking.

take cover,

-ry

a wii fit 4:09 PM

hi. so yesterday i had the "pleasure" of experiencing the wii fit. leaving aside that it told me i was 38 (womp womp) i could not manage to be good at any of the games...except the hula-hoop in which i received a 4 star rating and title of "calorie incinerator." for the most part i found myself having a wii fit during my experience and not feeling fit. i am not sure if it is that i can't get the simulated fitness thing down or that i'm just terribly awkward when it comes to physical activity, but either way the wii fit is not for me. does anyone remember nickelodeon's video arcade game show? i'm probably as awkward on the wii fit as this girl was in that show...



well maybe not that bad. duck the god damned fireballs, you asshole! and they say kids these days are dumb...

take cover,
-ry

facebook love 9:19 PM

hi. before i tackle reason #10 while we are all screwed let me tell you all some plans that i have for the future of "womp womp world." instead of posting daily reasons why we are all screwed i'm going to open up the blog to discussing things that bother me or that are awkward moments when the only thing that i can think of is "womp womp." in addition i am going to be accepting womp womp moments from all of your lives. so if you have a moment where something happens in your life and you can't believe how awkward/uncomfortable/frustrating it is then email me at ryrhymed@gmail.com and it very well may get featured in a post. be sure to include "womp womp moment" in the header of the e-mail and please include your name (or the name you would like the moment to be atrributed to) in the body of the email.

moving on to reason #10. i can't believe we reached this milestone. reason #10 i have saved for last because it may be the most important reason that we have discussed this far. reason #10 is facebook lovers. not just the "in a relationship" lovers, the lovers that feel the need to let everyone know they are lovers. we are talking facebook profile pics (sometimes the same pic), status messages, and constant wall posts. an example of a wall-to-wall post...

lovebird 1: i love you, babe
lovebird 2: no, i love you, babe.
lovebird 1: can't wait to see you, babe, love you so much
lovebird 2: i know, it's been 5 minutes. can't wait to get out of class so i can see you. love you, babe.
lovebird 1: babe, i love you, babe.
lovebird 2: babe, babe, babe, babe, love love love love, babe. babe.

sample status...

lovebird 1: i love my girlfriend so much.
lovebird 2: i love that my boyfriend loves me so much and i love him more!

we all know these people. i suggest a "get a room" feature that mimics the "like" button. i am all for people being in relationships i just can't stand the constant back-and-forth of pet names and "i love yous." so, facebook love birds, please stay in your nests and save the love bragging for alone time. it's just annoying to everyone even if they don't tell you to your face.

take cover,
-ry

celebrity blinders 11:05 AM

hi. did you all hear about conan vs. leno!? omg, i can't believe they might move conan's time slot. that's so ridiculous. poor conan. how will he ever survive? oh yea and 500,000 people died in haiti. but back to conan, more importantly...if you can't see the sarcasm here then you might as well join pat robertson and his ignorant following. it always amazes me how much people invest themselves into other celebrities lives but then ignore actual people who need help. conan vs. leno really is a crazy situation anyway and really should be left up to them and the management to settle. neither of them will be in any sort of desperate, life-threatening situation because of time slots. i have seen so many people go wild about this situation and completely ignore the earthquake in haiti that killed 500,000 people. 500,000. does that number not compute with people? then we have the ever-brilliant pat robertson saying that the haitians had it coming because they "made a pact with the devil." why is everyone not enraged at this religious zealot?

it's easy for me to hate this guy because i am not one who puts much stock into religions, generally, but i expected the "real christians" that dominate this country to actually stand up against this idiot. instead they would rather lambaste leno. i honestly could care less about the situation between conan and leno. i do think that conan is getting the short end of the stick, but at least he's getting a piece of the stick. 500,000! i don't think i can say it enough. and i'm sorry if this post isn't particularly hilarious but even i'm going to take a moment and be serious for a second.

DONATE TO HAITI

forget the octo-mom, forget john vs. kate, forget conan vs. leno, let's talk real lives that need help for a second. we all lost our minds when 3,000 died in 9/11 let's wake the hell up and help the people who managed to survive this mega-disaster. take off the celebrity blinders, people.

take cover,

-ry

the yuppie movement 12:34 PM

hi. sorry for the pussy post yesterday but i was sick and didn't feel like really doing much of anything. i still feel like crap today but felt guilty about copping out two days in a row, so i am going to actually write a full post today. 

we made it to reason #8, can you believe it? it's bitter sweet...like the guy who makes rape whistles for a living or a funeral director. think about it. reason #8 is the yuppie movement. i suppose your location will determine how much this social construct affects you, but in the northeast, especially in connecticut (where i reside) it is running rampant. i wouldn't mind these people if they didn't bother me. i wouldn't mind anything if it didn't bother me and just left me alone. but unfortunately, they do. they always do. these are the men and women who judge you because you aren't wearing banana republic when you are waiting in line at a deli trying to get a sandwich, these are the men and women who glare at you from behind their triple chai latte while you try to finish a paper in a starbucks, these are the men and women who have their children on leashes. they are usually named biff, buffy, or beau and they most definitely drive some sort of suv or mini van and have their children in so many extra-curriculars that they never have to see them. these are the same children who become the binge drinkers and coke heads that i went to high school with.

the thing that frustrates me most with these people is that they aren't real. the ideal that they live up to is simply to impress their fellow peers. they are completely external while their insides are just means to an end. that end is social capital. the conversations are almost always a series of "one-ups." an example.

location: a starbucks

yuppie mom 1: well johnny has soccer today, the coach says he's the best on the team.

yuppie mom 2: oh yea, catherine's ballet instructor who studied at julliard said she is going to play odette in their production of swan lake.

yuppie mom 1: oh that's great! well you know my husband, john, is going to be taking us to the florida keys for our vacay this winter.

yuppie mom 2: oh well if you need a place to stay you know we have two houses down there.

yuppie mom 1: oh no that's fine, john's golfing buddy owns a series of hotel chains so we are going to be staying in a suite for free with free room service. i mean, really? who wants to go to a grocery store when they are supposed to be on vacation?

are you vomming yet? do you see the subtle "one-ups" that are going on in this conversation? that's pretty much how every conversation i've heard that includes two yuppies sounds. if you manage to stumble into one then be ready to hear a lot about the yuppie while finding yourself just showering them with praise. yuppies thrive on praise. if you dared to engage them on a human level i could only imagine the result. i'm sure they would quickly run away or their head would burst into flames.

if these people were just into the style of banana republic and enjoyed fine wines and white picket fences then i would have no problem with them. but the fact that they are judgmental and arrogant all while having no substance to them outside of trying to impress other people makes me gag. the fake happiness also bothers me. these people are usually the nastiest people in the world but fake it for every photo opportunity that arises...especially christmas cards. i can think of no better way than to end this post with the best example of the yuppie movement that i could find in a photo...

(http://www.washingtonspaces.com/blog/articles/2008/06/26/go-yuppie-or-go-home)

take cover,

-ry

people like this 2:21 PM

hi. reason #7 why we are all screwed...people like this can live into their 40s.

take cover,

-ry

dead celebrities 1:20 PM

hi. can we talk for a second about the obsession that people have with celebrities after they die? now i understand respecting a fallen idol, farah faucett, michael jackson, etc. (don't get me started on the oxy-clean guy) but i really think that some people take it to another level. i mean, if you are a huge michael jackson fan and always have been then i can see you mourning his death a little longer than most. but when it's your myspace background, your facebook status, your ring tone, and screen saver i have to start to wonder about you. don't get me wrong, i'd mourn the death of an idol of mine for a while too. i can't imagine how i'd react to aretha passing or someone who i see as legendary. i just hate how the deaths of celebrities turn into media rallies where everyone and their dogs turn into the biggest (insert name of dead celebrity here) fans.

i recently went to E! online and saw an article about how it is " kind of an interweb honor" to have a death hoax about you. is it really? have we become that obsessed with dead celebrities that it's now trendy to have death hoaxes about you? the only reason people get so obsessed with dead celebrities is because it makes all eyes turn to them. "omg, not the kfc guy! i totally loved him! oh no, i'm going to totally eat at kfc every night until i die of heart failure or a corroded artery because i love the kfc guy so much! he reminded me of my grandpa!" these people need to be told that it's not cute or cool to use the death of a person in an attempt to gain popularity. if you are totally over wearing a silver glove in honor of mj and are looking for someone fresh to get you some cool points mourn just go to http://www.dead-celeb.com/ where you can find the truth in regards to who is the latest to die. are we really this sick of a society?

(http://dealbreaker.tumblr.com/post/132453659/your-dead-celebrity-jokes-you-know-normally-it)

take cover,

-ry

jersey shore 10:39 AM

hi. well today we are going to discuss something which might be even more controversial than yesterday's post and that may very well get a hit put on me. our topic today is the "guidos/guidettes" that have been suddenly popularized by a hit show on mtv, "jersey shore." being italian, myself, i feel that i can say with confidence that these people in no way are good examples of italian culture.

i'm not saying the show isn't successful in entertaining, because obviously people are all amped up about it. i personally can't bring myself to watch it after i saw a clip of some drunk meathead punch a girl in the face and knock her to the ground. call me chivalrous, but that doesn't fly in my book. i felt slightly redeemed when i saw the same meathead get KO'd in a cage fighting match on youtube, but still, i won't support a show that makes money off of showing girls get hit by guys twice their size.

for some reason this has made tons of people embrace their inner "guido/guidette" and now everyone thinks its cool to "fist pump" and over tan. galileo, raphael, bernini, davinci, these are some italians who actually deserve to be followed and looked up to, not "snookie," "vinny," and my personal favorite, "the situation." i hope for their sakes they are awesome actors and aren't actually as ridiculous as they portray themselves to be.

i saw this little gem on youtube which is like "jersey shore" but for real. you do all know that all of the members of the cast of jersey shore aren't actually from jersey, right?

take cover,

-ry a.k.a. the awkward situation

Ke$ha 10:16 AM

hi. this is controversial. i know i may be burnt at the stake or flogged in the public square for this but i'm going there. why? because i'm a truth-teller. ke$ha is awful. i think i just heard gay gasps around the world, but it's true. let me begin with the most obvious reason. the spelling of her name. nothing screams "i'm a tool" more than putting a dollar sign in your name. if that's cool then you can all refer to me as ry@n from now on, because symbols in place of letters is awesome. no. not it's not.

moving on to the actual "music." we have the big hit "tik tok" that everyone is going crazy for. but really, the song isn't more than a variety of pop culture terms thrown together with rhyme to achieve mass appeal. just some examples...p. diddy, bottle of jack, mick jagger. it's like people are sitting there and hearing it and thinking "omg! i like mick jagger! remember mick jagger!? omg we are cool cause we know who that is! mick jagger is cool now. let's be mick jagger!" then we have all of the lines about getting drunk or the more popular, crunk, which we know is a crowd pleaser.

moving away from the single and onto the album, we get even more ridiculous. i can't go through every horrid track, so i'll focus on my personal favorite, "dinosaur." an excerpt....

d-i-n-o-s-a-u-r a dinosaur

d-i-n-o-s-a-u-r a dinosaur

an o-l-d -m-a-n you're just an old man

hittin' on me, what?

you need a cat scan

what do we learn from this? ke$ha can spell, when she's not inserting symbols for letters. oh, and that she's a horrible lyricist.

people might be saying "hey! leave this girl alone!" but you know what? no. i won't leave her alone. sure she didn't do anything personally to me, but that fact that she is defining what is "good music" frightens me and the fact that nobody will call her out on her awful lyrics, lack of musicianship, and performance quality is even worse. people even compare her to britney spears or lady gaga. first of all, at least lady gaga can 1) sing, 2) write amazing songs, and 3) perform her ass off in creative ways. even britney in her prime could perform and was great at it. just watch this clip of ke$ha from ellen and tell me how she is any different from a drunk girl at a college party that somehow managed to get a microphone?

i mean, come on. breath control issues on a song like this? and i can't stand the drunk stumbling at the end. anyway, the rant is finally coming to a close. i just can't stand this girl and can't stand what she stands for. she's at the top of the music charts and, to me, that is worth vocalizing legitimate concern over. is this really where we are headed in the music industry in 2010? please say it isn't so or i might have to pop a bunch of pills and drink "a bottle of jack"

take cover,

-ry

"reality" love 9:54 AM

hi. i recently had the displeasure of seeing a new reality show on tv the other night while i was channel surfing. i'm sure we all are familiar with the "bachelor" and the "bachelorette" (gag) but there is a new show which has taken the "slit my wrists" spot on my list. the name? "conveyer belt of love." i kid you not. that is the actually name of the show. "what does it entail?" you might ask. well it is rather self-explanatory...unfortunate as that may be.

five women sit in chairs raised up on pedestals (because they are in charge) and a moving conveyer belt is in front of them. one at a time, "men" (i use the term loosely because i don't know of any real man who would reduce himself to this) arrive in front of the women on the conveyer belt and have 60 seconds to impress the ladies.

the ladies then have signs, one side saying "interested" and...you guessed it, the other side saying "not interested." if a lady likes her breathing pile of flesh that stands before her he gets the privilege of standing on a pedestal with the woman's name on it. if more than one woman likes a guy then he gets to choose whose pedestal he gets to stand on. this continues on until all of the “men” have been sorted out. at any time a woman may pick a new “man” and replace her old “man” with the new one.

in the end they all go on dates in an attempt to see if picking a life partner in 60 seconds actually works. it doesn't. well maybe it did for one of the five that i saw who just wanted to be "worshipped." she picked a meat-head in a speedo. i'm sure she got her wish...at least until her skin begins to sag or she gains 5 pounds and can’t fit on his trophy shelf anymore.

i apologize for getting too in depth in my analysis of the show, but i needed to explain all of it because i didn’t want anyone being confused into thinking its clever or worth watching. i got through about 15 minutes of it during the hour before i felt light-headed and my soul began to leave me.

i wish people would stop making these shows and that people would stop watching them and thinking that they are real. there are no conveyer belts. there are no castles with prince charmings that hand out roses. finding true love is painful. it's a struggle. it's filled with sorrow. that's what the search for true love is about. and when you find it, that's exactly what makes having it so much better and why you cherish it forever. i'd rather take that struggle than a conveyer belt anyday.

here's a delightful clip when the blonde chooses to stay with her "everyguy" over the tall, dark, and handsome guitarist. you mean, she has feelings? no, i think this fembot just had a slight malfunction and is hoping she gets her own spin off.

take cover,
-ry

"sexting" 11:34 AM

hi. last night i managed to knee the side table next to my bed while attempting to get into bed. the side table is near my head board. so reason #2 why we are screwed. "sexting." i am slightly mad that i wasn't aware of this phenomenon until recently when it's apparently been all the craze for quite a while. from what i've gathered this is the act of sending naked pictures of yourself/provocative text messages via cell phones. the risk being that you are an idiot and sending naked pics of yourself via cell phone. now, this wouldn't be as funny to me if they didn't give it the title "sexting." doesn't that make you just want to do it more? i mean, i wouldn't feel jealous if they called it "slut dialing" or "shame-camming", but "sexting" sounds awesome. and that is terrifying.

what is wrong with people? i mean if you are going to try and get kids to not do something then don't give it a hip title. it's like calling cocaine addicts 'blow bros" or "candy girls". those sound hip, right? maybe? well, regardless, you don't give it a hip title. period. that will just make the youngsters want to do it more...especially if its making me want to do it more.

so the new plague that is sweeping the nation is "sexting." people, if you are reading this, just don't do it. it's dumb and no fun. there's porn for that and the people are probably hotter. go back to making everyone worry about teenage pregnancy or the hiv.

take cover,

-ry

(http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/current/archive/2007/09/12/sexting-up-ur-nite.aspx)

2012. 9:43 AM

hi. here is the first reason we are all screwed. 2012. not because of the year, but because of the hype. it all began with the idea that the mayan calendar comes to a completion on december 21, 2012. now, even the mayans are saying that it doesn't mean that the world is coming to an end and the accusations that their prediction means the end of the world is just the result of sensationalists in the media. i blame john cusack...entirely.

then we have the scientists who are predicting some sort of planetary alignment that is going to ruin everything, or some solar flare that is gonna consume us...all i can see for sure from what i've read is that a solar flare is likely that will result in screwed up cell phone services, and gps signals. that may be the end of the world for some people but i think it might be sort of cool...and it would surely end this "sexting" issue that is psa-worthy, apparently. "sexting" will be reason #2.

i think the only thing we need to worry about in 2012 is pistol-pumping palin running for president.

take cover,

-ry

we are all screwed. 12:30 AM

hi. the world is ending. not because of war. not because of global warming. not because of racism. not because of sexism. not because of homophobes, not because of homosexuals. not because of disease. not because of bees. no. not because of any of that. the world is ending because people are ridiculous. so ridiculous that i needed to make a blog listing the reasons that we are screwed as a planet.

i'm not being negative, i'm just being blunt and trying to get a laugh. the bad is far outweighing the good, and i'm no longer capable of internalizing the things that are terrible in this world. well, i probably am, but i don't want to. most of it is on tv, in magazines, in our ipods, and is shaping how we are "cool." i'm going to leave the serious issues to the experts who are doing awesome jobs at fixing them...awesome. 

anyway, i think this can be a fun experiment on the hilarity ridiculosity that is our world. we are all dead in two years anyway, right? or did the mayans lie to me? wouldn't be the first time...seriously, this 2012 crap should be the first thing on the list. maybe it will be. tomorrow. yes, tomorrow. i need to sleep now before my thoughts get any more deranged.

take cover,

-ry