the snuggie enterprise 5:07 PM

hi. so i feel that this topic needs to be discussed lightly, as to not offend the druids/sorcerers who support this enterprise, but the snuggie frightens me. not necessarily because it reminds me of dark magic but because of what it can become. let me explain...we began with the simple idea of a blanket with arms. ok, not too bad. then we got fancy and began to add "fashionable" patterns. slightly disturbing. now they have snuggies for animals, also in "fashionable" patterns. straight up scary. then we were introduced to the "kuttles" which was a short lived product that was a snuggie for two people with three arms so that the two people could share a hole and hold hands, play video games, or share popcorn. absolutely terrifying. i'm glad to see that no remains of this product remain on the internet.

what is next? the threesomuggie (threesome-uggy)? the orgyggie (or-jiggy)? the founding of the city snuggopolis? i fear a future where snuggies rule. i also remember that snuggies were mocked for a long time and all of the sudden the collective consciousness shifted, everyone got one for christmas, and now snuggies are cool. when did this happen? is it some sort of astronomical event or am i just that far out of the loop? i can bear the snuggie but once other people start being included i have issues. the best part of cuddling under a blanket is what goes on under the blanket with hands. i bet the vatican is behind the kuttles in some sort of sexual activity control plot. i'm going to call dan brown and have him write a book about it immediately because i sense a conspiracy. if i'm reported dead from suffocation assume it was due to some secret snuggie society. i'm only 50% joking.

take cover,

-ry

a wii fit 4:09 PM

hi. so yesterday i had the "pleasure" of experiencing the wii fit. leaving aside that it told me i was 38 (womp womp) i could not manage to be good at any of the games...except the hula-hoop in which i received a 4 star rating and title of "calorie incinerator." for the most part i found myself having a wii fit during my experience and not feeling fit. i am not sure if it is that i can't get the simulated fitness thing down or that i'm just terribly awkward when it comes to physical activity, but either way the wii fit is not for me. does anyone remember nickelodeon's video arcade game show? i'm probably as awkward on the wii fit as this girl was in that show...



well maybe not that bad. duck the god damned fireballs, you asshole! and they say kids these days are dumb...

take cover,
-ry

facebook love 9:19 PM

hi. before i tackle reason #10 while we are all screwed let me tell you all some plans that i have for the future of "womp womp world." instead of posting daily reasons why we are all screwed i'm going to open up the blog to discussing things that bother me or that are awkward moments when the only thing that i can think of is "womp womp." in addition i am going to be accepting womp womp moments from all of your lives. so if you have a moment where something happens in your life and you can't believe how awkward/uncomfortable/frustrating it is then email me at ryrhymed@gmail.com and it very well may get featured in a post. be sure to include "womp womp moment" in the header of the e-mail and please include your name (or the name you would like the moment to be atrributed to) in the body of the email.

moving on to reason #10. i can't believe we reached this milestone. reason #10 i have saved for last because it may be the most important reason that we have discussed this far. reason #10 is facebook lovers. not just the "in a relationship" lovers, the lovers that feel the need to let everyone know they are lovers. we are talking facebook profile pics (sometimes the same pic), status messages, and constant wall posts. an example of a wall-to-wall post...

lovebird 1: i love you, babe
lovebird 2: no, i love you, babe.
lovebird 1: can't wait to see you, babe, love you so much
lovebird 2: i know, it's been 5 minutes. can't wait to get out of class so i can see you. love you, babe.
lovebird 1: babe, i love you, babe.
lovebird 2: babe, babe, babe, babe, love love love love, babe. babe.

sample status...

lovebird 1: i love my girlfriend so much.
lovebird 2: i love that my boyfriend loves me so much and i love him more!

we all know these people. i suggest a "get a room" feature that mimics the "like" button. i am all for people being in relationships i just can't stand the constant back-and-forth of pet names and "i love yous." so, facebook love birds, please stay in your nests and save the love bragging for alone time. it's just annoying to everyone even if they don't tell you to your face.

take cover,
-ry

celebrity blinders 11:05 AM

hi. did you all hear about conan vs. leno!? omg, i can't believe they might move conan's time slot. that's so ridiculous. poor conan. how will he ever survive? oh yea and 500,000 people died in haiti. but back to conan, more importantly...if you can't see the sarcasm here then you might as well join pat robertson and his ignorant following. it always amazes me how much people invest themselves into other celebrities lives but then ignore actual people who need help. conan vs. leno really is a crazy situation anyway and really should be left up to them and the management to settle. neither of them will be in any sort of desperate, life-threatening situation because of time slots. i have seen so many people go wild about this situation and completely ignore the earthquake in haiti that killed 500,000 people. 500,000. does that number not compute with people? then we have the ever-brilliant pat robertson saying that the haitians had it coming because they "made a pact with the devil." why is everyone not enraged at this religious zealot?

it's easy for me to hate this guy because i am not one who puts much stock into religions, generally, but i expected the "real christians" that dominate this country to actually stand up against this idiot. instead they would rather lambaste leno. i honestly could care less about the situation between conan and leno. i do think that conan is getting the short end of the stick, but at least he's getting a piece of the stick. 500,000! i don't think i can say it enough. and i'm sorry if this post isn't particularly hilarious but even i'm going to take a moment and be serious for a second.

DONATE TO HAITI

forget the octo-mom, forget john vs. kate, forget conan vs. leno, let's talk real lives that need help for a second. we all lost our minds when 3,000 died in 9/11 let's wake the hell up and help the people who managed to survive this mega-disaster. take off the celebrity blinders, people.

take cover,

-ry

the yuppie movement 12:34 PM

hi. sorry for the pussy post yesterday but i was sick and didn't feel like really doing much of anything. i still feel like crap today but felt guilty about copping out two days in a row, so i am going to actually write a full post today. 

we made it to reason #8, can you believe it? it's bitter sweet...like the guy who makes rape whistles for a living or a funeral director. think about it. reason #8 is the yuppie movement. i suppose your location will determine how much this social construct affects you, but in the northeast, especially in connecticut (where i reside) it is running rampant. i wouldn't mind these people if they didn't bother me. i wouldn't mind anything if it didn't bother me and just left me alone. but unfortunately, they do. they always do. these are the men and women who judge you because you aren't wearing banana republic when you are waiting in line at a deli trying to get a sandwich, these are the men and women who glare at you from behind their triple chai latte while you try to finish a paper in a starbucks, these are the men and women who have their children on leashes. they are usually named biff, buffy, or beau and they most definitely drive some sort of suv or mini van and have their children in so many extra-curriculars that they never have to see them. these are the same children who become the binge drinkers and coke heads that i went to high school with.

the thing that frustrates me most with these people is that they aren't real. the ideal that they live up to is simply to impress their fellow peers. they are completely external while their insides are just means to an end. that end is social capital. the conversations are almost always a series of "one-ups." an example.

location: a starbucks

yuppie mom 1: well johnny has soccer today, the coach says he's the best on the team.

yuppie mom 2: oh yea, catherine's ballet instructor who studied at julliard said she is going to play odette in their production of swan lake.

yuppie mom 1: oh that's great! well you know my husband, john, is going to be taking us to the florida keys for our vacay this winter.

yuppie mom 2: oh well if you need a place to stay you know we have two houses down there.

yuppie mom 1: oh no that's fine, john's golfing buddy owns a series of hotel chains so we are going to be staying in a suite for free with free room service. i mean, really? who wants to go to a grocery store when they are supposed to be on vacation?

are you vomming yet? do you see the subtle "one-ups" that are going on in this conversation? that's pretty much how every conversation i've heard that includes two yuppies sounds. if you manage to stumble into one then be ready to hear a lot about the yuppie while finding yourself just showering them with praise. yuppies thrive on praise. if you dared to engage them on a human level i could only imagine the result. i'm sure they would quickly run away or their head would burst into flames.

if these people were just into the style of banana republic and enjoyed fine wines and white picket fences then i would have no problem with them. but the fact that they are judgmental and arrogant all while having no substance to them outside of trying to impress other people makes me gag. the fake happiness also bothers me. these people are usually the nastiest people in the world but fake it for every photo opportunity that arises...especially christmas cards. i can think of no better way than to end this post with the best example of the yuppie movement that i could find in a photo...

(http://www.washingtonspaces.com/blog/articles/2008/06/26/go-yuppie-or-go-home)

take cover,

-ry

people like this 2:21 PM

hi. reason #7 why we are all screwed...people like this can live into their 40s.

take cover,

-ry

dead celebrities 1:20 PM

hi. can we talk for a second about the obsession that people have with celebrities after they die? now i understand respecting a fallen idol, farah faucett, michael jackson, etc. (don't get me started on the oxy-clean guy) but i really think that some people take it to another level. i mean, if you are a huge michael jackson fan and always have been then i can see you mourning his death a little longer than most. but when it's your myspace background, your facebook status, your ring tone, and screen saver i have to start to wonder about you. don't get me wrong, i'd mourn the death of an idol of mine for a while too. i can't imagine how i'd react to aretha passing or someone who i see as legendary. i just hate how the deaths of celebrities turn into media rallies where everyone and their dogs turn into the biggest (insert name of dead celebrity here) fans.

i recently went to E! online and saw an article about how it is " kind of an interweb honor" to have a death hoax about you. is it really? have we become that obsessed with dead celebrities that it's now trendy to have death hoaxes about you? the only reason people get so obsessed with dead celebrities is because it makes all eyes turn to them. "omg, not the kfc guy! i totally loved him! oh no, i'm going to totally eat at kfc every night until i die of heart failure or a corroded artery because i love the kfc guy so much! he reminded me of my grandpa!" these people need to be told that it's not cute or cool to use the death of a person in an attempt to gain popularity. if you are totally over wearing a silver glove in honor of mj and are looking for someone fresh to get you some cool points mourn just go to http://www.dead-celeb.com/ where you can find the truth in regards to who is the latest to die. are we really this sick of a society?

(http://dealbreaker.tumblr.com/post/132453659/your-dead-celebrity-jokes-you-know-normally-it)

take cover,

-ry