household objects 7:32 PM

hi. so i'm sure this topic will be one that every person in the world can relate to...except poor, starving children, probably. how many times have you been typing a paper and forgot to save to find yourself face-to-face with a power surge or technological meltdown of sorts that makes you lose the paper? or how about when you need to print something and your printer becomes a raging bitch that won't print? or how about wanting to watch your favorite show to only have your television set break down at that very moment? or how about just walking by your ironing board and stubbing your toe on it? i'm sure i could go on for years about all of these things but the main culprit behind all of these cases...household objects.

for years i thought "oh i just have bad luck. that must be why these things happen." but recently i've began to think that maybe these objects aren't so inanimate. what if they are plotting? plotting to take us down and take over? the brave little toaster? more like the death monster toaster!!! it won't be so cute and little when it short circuits and burns your house down! maybe you are sitting there just reading this on your computer that you trust. it gives you entertainment, let's you connect with friends, and gives you porn (better than friends). but what happens when it takes over? when it starts posting your recent porn searches to facebook!? "charlie montgomery is watching chicks with dicks!" then what!? THEN WHAT!? that mac isn't so great now is it!? now the mac is a maniac!

why do i bring this up? do i think we don't have enough to worry about with north korea launching fucking rockets? no. i'm well aware that we have plenty of obvious issues to be concerned with. however, it's my duty as a citizen of the usa to make sure we all are aware of the concerns that may not be so obvious. it's like we are rihanna and our household objects are our chris brown. how many times are they gonna punch our faces in before we stop making music with them? so here is my warning to you all: move into the woods! it's the only place that's safe.

take cover,
-ry


EDIT: I just saw this clip of a cellphone distracting a man and almost getting him eaten by a bear. tell me household/everyday objects aren't out to get us...

Ridiculously Photogenic Guy 7:42 PM

hi. so have you all seen the "ridiculously photogenic guy" yet? i know it sounds like that would be a name i made up but it isn't. what it is is the latest craze in the meme-dom (that one i did make up). here's the backstory...

a man runs a race. a man smiles at friends but catches the lens of a photographer. instant fame ensues.

here is the photo that started this...

so now the memedom captured him and the memes began...

good morning america even went so far as to have an interview with him...

...in which they discovered there is no story other than that he is ridiculously photogenic.

i could say so much about this guy. he seems pretty harmless and didn't ask for this attention but if it was me i'd be making a lot more fun of the whole situation. and i definitely would have used "ridiculously" at least once per sentence. 

"thanks for having me, it's ridiculously cold today." "your dress is ridiculously amazing." "the photographer is ridiculously creepy." "this interview is ridiculously awkward"...you catch my drift. 

ridiculously.

also is it just me or is this guy a better looking version of 'nick' from new girl? 

take cover,

-ry

p.s. also can we start calling him the RPG (ridiculously photogenic guy)? it will make so many nerds so angry. let's do it. ok? ok.

tebow 11:46 PM

hi.

well happy easter to all of the christians out there. i am writing from the safety of my bed with a stomach full of half-digested animals that i devoured in honor of a man becoming a zombie. how sanctimonious.

i saw an article posted on AOL today (yes, some of us still have AOL email accounts) and it was featuring someone who has been a hot button topic lately, tim tebow. He had a chat with a pastor joe champion (real name? doubtful) in texas about standing up for your faith and being vocal about religion. His last name pronounced backwards sounds like elmer fudd saying "rabbit" so this ties easily not so easily to easter on more than one level.

in this genius interview tebow puts down athletes who don't bark about faith (how christian of him). but it was this section of the article that irked me most.

Champion asked Tebow what he thought needed to change culturally in America."First and foremost is what this country was based on: one nation under God. The more that we can get back to that"

is it what this country was based on? pretty sure it was based on disease spreading and slaughter but if that's "one nation under God" then you, sir, are some sort of practicing necromancer or are a member of a strange cult that i want nothing to do with. i'll stick to keeping this country just where it is because that enables me to be who i am and practice what i love. also, i don't think profesional football players were allowed to have press conferences in pink shirts about how much they love jesus in the olden days. burn that witch at the stake is what i say.

secondly, a cultural change is the last thing this country needs. and the idea that people are asking that question terrifies me. we have culturally become more and more accepting of various races, sexual orientation, and religions and to me that is something to be appreciated, not disregarded.

so tebow, go back to doing what you do best. and we all know what that is...wearing pink button downs and getting on your knees (ba-zing!)

take cover,
-ry

the snuggie enterprise 5:07 PM

hi. so i feel that this topic needs to be discussed lightly, as to not offend the druids/sorcerers who support this enterprise, but the snuggie frightens me. not necessarily because it reminds me of dark magic but because of what it can become. let me explain...we began with the simple idea of a blanket with arms. ok, not too bad. then we got fancy and began to add "fashionable" patterns. slightly disturbing. now they have snuggies for animals, also in "fashionable" patterns. straight up scary. then we were introduced to the "kuttles" which was a short lived product that was a snuggie for two people with three arms so that the two people could share a hole and hold hands, play video games, or share popcorn. absolutely terrifying. i'm glad to see that no remains of this product remain on the internet.

what is next? the threesomuggie (threesome-uggy)? the orgyggie (or-jiggy)? the founding of the city snuggopolis? i fear a future where snuggies rule. i also remember that snuggies were mocked for a long time and all of the sudden the collective consciousness shifted, everyone got one for christmas, and now snuggies are cool. when did this happen? is it some sort of astronomical event or am i just that far out of the loop? i can bear the snuggie but once other people start being included i have issues. the best part of cuddling under a blanket is what goes on under the blanket with hands. i bet the vatican is behind the kuttles in some sort of sexual activity control plot. i'm going to call dan brown and have him write a book about it immediately because i sense a conspiracy. if i'm reported dead from suffocation assume it was due to some secret snuggie society. i'm only 50% joking.

take cover,

-ry

a wii fit 4:09 PM

hi. so yesterday i had the "pleasure" of experiencing the wii fit. leaving aside that it told me i was 38 (womp womp) i could not manage to be good at any of the games...except the hula-hoop in which i received a 4 star rating and title of "calorie incinerator." for the most part i found myself having a wii fit during my experience and not feeling fit. i am not sure if it is that i can't get the simulated fitness thing down or that i'm just terribly awkward when it comes to physical activity, but either way the wii fit is not for me. does anyone remember nickelodeon's video arcade game show? i'm probably as awkward on the wii fit as this girl was in that show...



well maybe not that bad. duck the god damned fireballs, you asshole! and they say kids these days are dumb...

take cover,
-ry

facebook love 9:19 PM

hi. before i tackle reason #10 while we are all screwed let me tell you all some plans that i have for the future of "womp womp world." instead of posting daily reasons why we are all screwed i'm going to open up the blog to discussing things that bother me or that are awkward moments when the only thing that i can think of is "womp womp." in addition i am going to be accepting womp womp moments from all of your lives. so if you have a moment where something happens in your life and you can't believe how awkward/uncomfortable/frustrating it is then email me at ryrhymed@gmail.com and it very well may get featured in a post. be sure to include "womp womp moment" in the header of the e-mail and please include your name (or the name you would like the moment to be atrributed to) in the body of the email.

moving on to reason #10. i can't believe we reached this milestone. reason #10 i have saved for last because it may be the most important reason that we have discussed this far. reason #10 is facebook lovers. not just the "in a relationship" lovers, the lovers that feel the need to let everyone know they are lovers. we are talking facebook profile pics (sometimes the same pic), status messages, and constant wall posts. an example of a wall-to-wall post...

lovebird 1: i love you, babe
lovebird 2: no, i love you, babe.
lovebird 1: can't wait to see you, babe, love you so much
lovebird 2: i know, it's been 5 minutes. can't wait to get out of class so i can see you. love you, babe.
lovebird 1: babe, i love you, babe.
lovebird 2: babe, babe, babe, babe, love love love love, babe. babe.

sample status...

lovebird 1: i love my girlfriend so much.
lovebird 2: i love that my boyfriend loves me so much and i love him more!

we all know these people. i suggest a "get a room" feature that mimics the "like" button. i am all for people being in relationships i just can't stand the constant back-and-forth of pet names and "i love yous." so, facebook love birds, please stay in your nests and save the love bragging for alone time. it's just annoying to everyone even if they don't tell you to your face.

take cover,
-ry

celebrity blinders 11:05 AM

hi. did you all hear about conan vs. leno!? omg, i can't believe they might move conan's time slot. that's so ridiculous. poor conan. how will he ever survive? oh yea and 500,000 people died in haiti. but back to conan, more importantly...if you can't see the sarcasm here then you might as well join pat robertson and his ignorant following. it always amazes me how much people invest themselves into other celebrities lives but then ignore actual people who need help. conan vs. leno really is a crazy situation anyway and really should be left up to them and the management to settle. neither of them will be in any sort of desperate, life-threatening situation because of time slots. i have seen so many people go wild about this situation and completely ignore the earthquake in haiti that killed 500,000 people. 500,000. does that number not compute with people? then we have the ever-brilliant pat robertson saying that the haitians had it coming because they "made a pact with the devil." why is everyone not enraged at this religious zealot?

it's easy for me to hate this guy because i am not one who puts much stock into religions, generally, but i expected the "real christians" that dominate this country to actually stand up against this idiot. instead they would rather lambaste leno. i honestly could care less about the situation between conan and leno. i do think that conan is getting the short end of the stick, but at least he's getting a piece of the stick. 500,000! i don't think i can say it enough. and i'm sorry if this post isn't particularly hilarious but even i'm going to take a moment and be serious for a second.

DONATE TO HAITI

forget the octo-mom, forget john vs. kate, forget conan vs. leno, let's talk real lives that need help for a second. we all lost our minds when 3,000 died in 9/11 let's wake the hell up and help the people who managed to survive this mega-disaster. take off the celebrity blinders, people.

take cover,

-ry