sometimes i just want to be a blues singer

hi. well i made it through the holiday and into 2011. every december i think i'm going to die before the new year. i don't know why i think that or how i think i will but i do. so at least that anxiety is over with. on the day we were supposed to have our annual christmas party, mother nature decided to shit a blizzard on us and severely decrease the amount of attendees. some of my close friends managed to make it and we made sure to enjoy ourselves. the catered food and plethora of alcohol made that a not so difficult task.

since december 1st i've been working out regularly (5 times a week) and trying to eat healthy. instead of an ice cream sunday every night i will eat a piece of fruit or a protein bar. boring, but my body has been feeling better from it. the only reason i'm bothering to explain this is because i need you to understand why eating catered food and an array of different desserts all while washing them down with cherry vodka was a disaster for my system.

at about 12:30 in the morning after the guests had left my party and one of my friends who stayed over already retired to our guest room and the other one was passing out on the couch, i suddenly felt the sharpest of pains. nobody should have to experience this pain unless they are birthing a child. i was not. what i was birthing was a war between my stomach and my will to survive. it was immediately apparent to me that the cherry vodka-pasta-chicken-cream puff-cupcake-cookie smoothie that was blending in my stomach was going to be a formidable opponent in the bathroom.

i immediately tried to stifle any anxiety that was coming from the pains and treat my stomach to a series of ginger chews and ginger ale. after over a 2 hour battle that mirrored any epic match between two rivals in any fantasy movie you've ever seen, i came out victorious. my vision was blurred and i had ripped my t-shirt, but i won. and that's all that matters.

after any severe stomach issue is over i always feel something zombie-like. this pertains to many things in my life...after sex, after an anxiety attack, after spending a lot of time outside in the spring, after book shopping, the list goes on and on. the 'zombie-likeness' that i'm referring to is that feeling you have where there is a certain level of catharsis that mixes with apathy; where you don't care what happens and you are sort of just present. some may refer to this as some sort of meditative plane but i think of zombies. what else is new.

the rest of the holiday went well, many hilarious videos were taken and good times were had. ended up spending new year's eve with my mother and dog and almost fell asleep at 11:30pm. winner. instead i fell asleep at about 12:15am. double winner. obviously one thing that won't change in 2011 are the levels of awkwardness in my life and i can't wait to share every last one of them.

every tear tells a story,
-ry

there exists someone who looks like emperor palpatine

so. been busy with life and stuff, but i figured i'd update you on one reason why my life can't be normal. i recently went to new york city to an event that was intended to be for networking with other business professionals. i went with a friend and after half a glass of cherry vodka with sprite (which i still think was just straight cherry vodka) i was tipsy. embarrassing. i then started getting punchy. nobody was socializing with me and i wasn't about to approach anyone because i am possibly one of the most awkward people walking the face of the earth. so i told my friend i wanted to leave (after an anxiety attack started kicking in) and we left. as we were walking back to grand central we passed times square and began going into the stores near there. times square is instant relief for people with SAD and i love it there. like a little bit of daytime at night. genius. we ended up in the toys r us with a life-size barbie dream home. i wanted it. i wanted to own it and paint it black. it was amazing.

after searching around for a bit we left and then went into aeropostale. i wanted sweatpants because i love their sweatpants. i really just wanted something comfortable. nowhere could i find men's sweatpants. fury. so i then stomped out (still a bit tipsy) and we began walking some more. we reached bryant park and my friend suggested we walk through it because there were a series of vendors set up in pop-up shops. we walked by one shop and noticed that they sold winter animal hats. i was in. then i noticed that they sold kigurumi (fleece pajamas that are designed after animals being marketed as 'cushi' in the US ). we were approached by an amazing woman who was wearing one of the kigurumi and who easily sold me one. don't believe me?


and there you have it. ki-gu-ru-mi, bitches. this is far superior to the snuggie for at least the following reasons:

1. because hilarious animals are better than druids.
2. because the kigurumi has a back
3. because the kigurumi has a hood.

so what was supposed to be a night of professional adult things ended up being a night of me just wanting to be wrapped in fleece. so i think it was a success...except that i'll probably be poor forever.

every tear tells a story,
-ry

i may be addicted to orange tic tacs

hey. today i experienced hell on earth. five words. christmas tree shop in december. i remember vividly during summer vacations in cape cod with my family, my grandmother would always have to stop at the christmas tree shop. i recall wanting to go to the surf shop across the street and get a boogie board yet i was dragged into a store that smelled of ginger bread and pine and would have to then meander with overwhelming confusion down isles of christmas items in the middle of the summer. i thought the christmas tree shop couldn't get worse. i vowed to never go again and since i was in my early teens i never did...until today.

during the summertime only a few people would be browsing the christmas tree shop since most were enjoying summer activities. that was the one good thing about being there in the summer; no crowds. however today, i witnessed all of the christmas tree shop's hell and wrath because i went into it during its season of power. immediately the familiar smells hit me and i became queasy. then the blaring christmas tunes rang into my brain. even a favorite of mine despite the religious meaning "oh holy night" was sung poorly by some sort of barbershop quartet. i only like hearing that sung by a female who has the ability to wail. i knew that once i heard that rendition i was done for.

the christmas tree shop also plays games with its customers. instead of bobbing for apples, women bob for matching napkin sets...i kid you not...

that entire right crate is filled with napkin sets that have printed designs on them. shoppers find one set they like and then have to dig through the rest to find more of the same. and it isn't as if there is simply five or six sets in there in which case the shoppers would find their matches with ease, no, there are a seemingly infinite number of sets, making the search nothing short of a frenzy. this particular interaction seems calm enough but i assure you i smelled the blood and sweat that lingered over that area from battles between fallen shoppers who both wanted the silver-lined frosty the snowman set for their respective christmas parties.

then we have the elderly. i have nothing against the elderly but i think the elderly in this store are shoppers who have been trapped in its maze-like structure for 50 years and have become bitter. exhibit b...

i had to snap a picture quickly because i didn't want to be caught and then turned into a slave by this furious horde, but i assure you there was an entire section of elderly people who were complaining and moaning about everything. from politics to prices, this group of misfit monsters held nothing back. i was terrified to even be near their area but luckily i didn't get stuck for long. i thought my entire trip through the store lasted only a short while but i hadn't noticed that hours had passed. we even saw a family friend there, but part of me thinks that the store just created an illusion of her to keep us there even longer. i swear to you all, this place has negative powers that far surpass anything else on this earth...except maybe the vatican. beware!

every tear tells a story,
-ry

ennui is a pretty bitchin' word

hey. so today i was just browsing a barnes and noble calendar section and i had quite the dilemma. i either had to get a zombie calendar that included sheets of pop out zombie creatures that you could fold and make into 3-d little paper models. pretty cool. or a calendar of owls. anyone that knows me knows that i love owls. i even have one tattooed on my arm. this deliberation carried on for quite some time but once i realized that some of the zombie pop outs required glue in their assembly i was turned off. glue isn't fun. the owls won.

but this topic isn't about the calendars that i did get. no. this topic is about the ones i didn't get. particularly the one i didn't get. the name? 'island cats.' i kid you not...


now, i thought at first maybe it was just cats placed on various island locations. for someone who enjoys both cats and beautiful scenery i suppose this would be good. then i turned the calendar around to get a preview of what was inside...



what. the. hell. i direct you to the center cat that is allegedly pulling his boat into dock and the one below him that is parkouring across island homes. this is all around unacceptable. it is one thing to combine pets with landscape but it's another to make the pets interact with the landscape in ludicrous and highly unlikely ways. i do not know a single cat that owns his own boat in the greek isles. nor do i know a cat that enjoys extreme sports in its spare time. what's next? 'cats on the job' featuring cats working on skyscrapers? or 'cats at the beach' featuring cats in bikini tops playing beach volleyball and having swimming contests? what is next, world? and why cats? my owl calendar is simply pictures of owls. not 'owls in the wind' featuring owls dressed up as characters from "gone with the wind." i think any cat should feel cheated out of a reputation they have collectively worked quite some time at establishing; one that doesn't include docking boats.

have you seen more weird calendars that you feel the need to share? send me pics at 'ryandelaurentis@gmail.com' and i'll post them. i'm sure i didn't find the only ridiculous calendar out there.

every tear tells a story,
-ry

there's no i in eye

today on twitter one of the trending topics is #ifihadsuperpowers. for those of you who are unfamiliar with what a 'trending topic' is, a trending topic is a topic (created by inserting '#' in front of a string of words) that is used most by twitter users. a list is then compiled of the most popular topics and this then adds to their popularity because all tweeps (that's the cool title people who use twitter give to themselves) see this list and usually participate in the topics. now that i've revealed how big of a social media nerd i am, let me get to the focus of this post.

the topic #ifihadsuperpowers always intrigues me. if i had super powers i'd probably want a power to always be able to locate my chap stick. of course i'd want mind control too, but i actually think the chap stick locator would be more useful to me. i seem to be in a constant flux between buying and losing my chap sticks. i can buy one and the next day i search for it and can't find it. i say to myself, 'ryan, you will find it.' and then the next day comes and my lips somehow know that i don't know where my chap stick is and they chap themselves in the worst way and then i have to go get another chap stick; it's a vicious cycle that plagues me. am i alone on this? i feel like i am.

well anyway, since the topic isn't 'if i had a super power' i can pick as many as i'd like. here are some others that i would need...

1. 1. instant anxiety relief.
2. 2. instant book reading.
3. 3. can summon a laugh track at will.
4. 4. can summon a gospel choir at will.
5. 5. can summon epic theme music at will.
6. 6. every time i open a drawer i find a $100 bill inside.
7. 7. can cause anyone of my choosing to have instant diarrhea.
8. 8. invisibility.
9. 9. instantly make pimples disappear.
10. 10. can erase everyone's memory of the electric slide, the macarena, and the chicken dance as well as destroy all existing copies.

the list goes on and on, but i think ten is enough. so what would be some of your super powers? feel free to leave comments because just listing them for yourself is boring and weird.

every tear tells a story,
-ry

raisin bran crunch

hi. so i'm going to start doing weekly webcomics. i lack artistic tools to make them anything more than stick figures at the moment so that will have to do. looking to change that in the future.

"Small Talk"

every tear tells a story,
-ry

push ups are the most painful exercise.

hi. can someone explain to me the reactions that parents have to their children when they fall? i find that the reactions fall (no pun intended) into either one of the two following categories...

category 1: the maniac (warning loud scream at :32)



here we have a child who fell and didn't seem to hit anything too hard yet the woman on camera wails as if her baby had just been thrown out of a ten story window. inappropriate reaction, madame. then we have the second category...

category 2: the comedian



here we have a child whose face makes an audible noise when it hits the plastic slide and the parents are hysterical. won't be so funny when your kid can't count past 3 will it?

the reason i bring this up is because today i was out with a friend and as we were passing through a lobby there was a mother leaving with one of her children and the other one was staying behind because he didn't want to leave. the mother then said "come on or i'm leaving without you" (a standard and surely psychologically damaging tactic) to which the child responded by charging full force towards the door and his mother. what he didn't notice was the change in levels upon going through the frame of the door. the ended in a full on face plant on tile. as the child was crying into the tile and remained lifeless on the floor as if he had just been taken down by a sniper the mother simply replied "oh, crash boom bang" and pretended like nothing was wrong. obviously the child's nose was in the back of its skull at this point and yet she carried on as if she was a damn looney toon.

was she too embarrassed to show concern or was it that she just didn't think it was an issue? i can't solve this conundrum but maybe you can all weigh in on it. i don't think that every fall or trip requires a scream but when audible noises are heard that involve faces and solid objects i think at least some slight concern is required.

every tear tells a story,
-ry